They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
