I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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