I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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