Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
