There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
