i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
