she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
