The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize