Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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