Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
