let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
