I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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