Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
