They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
