You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
