I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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