It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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