i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
