I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
