i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Found the puke drawer
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
