I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Someone came in the potted fern
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
