She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
