My friends, they love my intelligence
Sponge bath it is.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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