No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
