The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
