i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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