i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
