I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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