We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
