Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
