Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
