Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
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