I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You took a bar mat shot.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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