Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
