OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I forget how to act sober
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
