tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
