It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
