i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
