Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
