did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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