dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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