Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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