i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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