I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Randomize