I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
