im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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