I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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