Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You ruined the universe
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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