4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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