i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
