dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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