yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
