I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
