i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
