...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
